There are several common denominators on the topic of domestic violence. One such commonality is “The Cycle of Violence.” For the victim, understanding the dynamics of each phase is one of the first steps in coming to grips with the chronic and practically predictable acts of their abuser. If not used as a means of healing and timing to exit the relationship before the next storm, the ability to predict the next stage can become a crutch for mere day-to-day survival. Mastering the art of predicting the next blow-up, to “get by,” is often subconscious, like an involuntary reflex. In the process of predicting the upcoming incident, one begins modifying their behavior and environment in an attempt to soften the physical or emotional blows of their abuser. Worse, wielding this survival tool lures us into the false sense of control, an unconscious tightening of the handcuffs, losing the key to the trap, and an actual belief in the mantra, “The next time he hurts me, I’m REALLY going to leave.” Ten years later, your peacekeeping behaviors are so deeply ingrained that you accept them as being normal. The laughter that once poured out of you like Niagara Falls has the luster of steel wool. But, for the women who seek help early, who learned that the perpetual Ferris Wheel she’s been riding may kill her one day, has a greater chance of success at leaving the relationship. Living in a chronically abusive environment, it’s only natural to develop coping mechanisms of one degree or another to get through the day. It stands to reason that being told you’re ugly, stupid, and worthless over the years damages one’s self-esteem. For years, I’d vehemently defend myself against my ex-husband’s threats and demoralizing commentary, that is, until I didn’t. It is not unusual for victims not to realize that their once strategic means of keeping the peace at home turn into unstable coping skills. Fear can twist the mind and become the driving force of survival, rather than rational, critical thinking, necessary for a smoother transition out of one’s environment. Actions motivated by fear, my friends, are a dangerous frame of mind in which to operate any plan of escape, and once fear becomes the ruling source of one’s decision-making, it is often a point of no return. Moreover, since control is the platform most abusers wield against their victims, they will most assuredly twist any negative traits you’ve adopted, being victimized, understandably or not, against you.
Before I proceed, I need to be transparent for a moment. Before I was married and had children, I knew nothing about the dynamics of abusive relationships. On the rare occasion the topic ever came up, I used to say things like, “If a man laid his hand on me, I’d be out the door immediately.” My fervent declarations were nothing more than cliches often used to sound enlightened. I sounded like a snob, uneducated on the topic, and certainly not speaking as a voice of experience. That is, until I was. Like me, if you’ve never taken such beneign generalizations beyond that cognitive point, it’s easy to be self-righteous. When we have zero life experiences on the numerous financial, sociological, and psychological variables involved in the dynamics of an abusive relationship, sounding trite is a luxury only those on the outside looking in possess. The reality of such comments is that they highlight our profound sense of superiority and lack of knowledge on a topic that plagues every socioeconomic group on planet Earth, and is as much a fact of life as the Second Law of Thermodynamics, I was once such a person. That is, until I realized I had become a VIP member of a club I had joined without my consent, only to find it was too late. I was “Trapped.” As a society, we need to realize how attitudes like this contribute to women remaining in abusive relationships. When women hear attitudes like this spoken by strong, successful women, a victim can perceive that they’re the problem.
It’s not unusual for victims of chronic abuse to resort to extreme and unstable means of coping, such as chronic depression, illegal drugs, self-medicating, cutting, agoraphobia, suicidal ideations, and suicide if measures to get out of their environment are drawn out. Please understand that these behaviors are not your fault, but the result of prolonged abuse, and the fault is in the hands of the abuser. The acquisition of such measures can go unrecognized by the victim until they’ve reached a fever pitch. A word of warning: A common characteristic of most abusers is manipulation, and you can rely on your abuser to use these newly acquired behaviors against you if your circumstances end up in the courts, particularly if children are involved. So, I repeat, seek help early to avoid or at least decrease the side effects associated with chronic abuse. Moreover, the severity of these coping mechanisms ranges from one end of the pendulum to the other.
Keep in mind, victims are already enduring general and often unnoticed issues by others from ongoing abuse, some worse than others. Couple that with dangerous acquired external vices, and one is left unable to strategically put together a systematic exit plan and later carry it out with strength and fortitude. It’s understandable that being physically or emotionally beaten down regularly hardly leaves a person with the wearwithall required for all that lies ahead. Comprehension of the cycle of abuse you had no idea you were living in also helps us see that HE is the problem, not the victim. Moreover, the next and most critical steps are doing the work needed to undo the lies your abuser brainwashed you with, getting psychologically strong enough to withstand what lies ahead, and becoming capable of providing for yourself is key. A common trait amongst those who stay in abusive relationships is being unable to make a living on their own due to a lack of job skills, education, a lack of family support, or anyone to turn to at all. The uninformed will declare, “There’s help available for these women, so it’s their fault if they stick around.” It’s not that simple. Resources are often underfunded, and shelter environments can be harsh realities, not what they appear to be, but that’s a topic for another day.
Before I proceed, I would like to briefly highlight the stages/phases of The Cycle of Violence. Since each stage is quite involved, I prefer to dedicate a separate blog to giving them the attention they deserve. It’s worth noting that the stages may vary in complexity and severity for each individual and their circumstances. Just because your situation isn’t identical to the examples mentioned doesn’t mean it doesn’t apply to you. Moreover, please avoid the mistake of accepting watered-down perceptions of your circumstances, such as “My husband doesn’t hit me that hard” or “It only happens once in a while,” which can deceive you into believing that you’re not being abused. Not leaving for these reasons can eventually lead you to finding yourself trapped because your tolerance level of his “not as bad as other women’s” abuse increased, making the strength you once possessed a figment of your imagination. Lastly, although some websites about domestic violence may vary in the number of stages and how they’re worded, they are essentially the same in essence.
CYCLE OF VIOLENCE
- TENSION BUILDING PHASE: This stage can be described as an environment of escalating tensions and arguments, and it usually feels like one is walking on eggshells or an acute sense of impending doom.
- BLOW-UP PHASE: Anything can set the abuser off at this point. Abuse may be either physical, emotional, or sexual, but it will definitely be violent and dangerous, and blamed on the victim.
- HONEYMOON PHASE (Reconciliation): The abuser is contrite and promises to change. He’ll promise to get help, cry, declare that he can’t live without you, and shower his victim with enough love and affection to give his victim hope, until the next time.
- CALM: The relationship is peaceful, normal, and it appears that the abuser is following through on his promises to change. At this point, the victim begins to let her guard down. That is, until the subsequent explosion, when the cycle repeats.
Although this blog is more of an overview, my hope here is to point out the oft-situational aspect women find themselves in stemming from a lack of recognition of frequently minimized signs of abuse. If this is you, I hope to remind you that you’re not alone, you’re believed, and your experience is real. Debase comments such as you being “stupid or ugly,” or “crazy’ when you lose your temper, and “nobody else would want you” when you threaten to leave, are abusive. Humiliating comments such as these are intended to degrade you and make you wonder whether you’re the problem instead of the abuser. I refer to this behavior by the abuser as “Crazing Making,” because, if endured long enough, it can cause a person to feel “crazy” and begin exhibiting less than stable behavior. Please don’t wait for his fist that puts holes in your walls to find its way to your face, because it will. Again, research the signs of abuse to see if these behaviors apply to you or someone you love.
Before I began reading about abuse, I thought phrases like “If I can’t have you, nobody can” were only known to me. Phrases like that are definitely not a term of endearment. To my surprise, I later discovered that it was a common threat and not new information for anyone but me. Before I learned that my childhood greatly contributed to my understanding of the term “Normal” and how it shaped my tolerance of certain behaviors and their subsequent consequences, the abuse I was enduring was chronic and life-threatening. While I firmly believe that truth is absolute, not relative. The term “normal” can certainly be relative when measuring one’s life experiences. Is there a chance your abusive childhood has altered your interpretation of normal? The critical thing to remember is that there’s no such thing as being a “little abused.” If any of the signs apply to you at all, begin seeking help for an existing plan before your environment reaches a boiling point, and feeling trapped becomes your mantra. Reasoning, making systematic decisions, and carrying them out are most difficult under such conditions. Be prudent.
RESOURCES:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233): 24/7 confidential help. Their website provides a DIRECTORY OF LOCAL PROVIDERS section for resources and support in your local area.
Balm of Giliad 